From Peggy McColl’s YOUR DESTINY SWICTH: Turn your negative emotions to OFF …
15 Switching Techniques
You can switch your emotions immediately if you choose to do so. No matter how strong the negative feeling you’re experiencing, the more you practice observing, deciding, and switching, the more quickly you’ll be able to make the transition to a positive emotion, because you’ve created this healthy habit.
There are a number of very effective strategies for making an instant switch to a positive emotion. All of them are quite powerful, so if you’re only familiar with one or two, I encourage you to try the others as well. You can even use more than one strategy at once. I find that it’s especially effective to start with Switching Strategy #1 before using any of the others.
Switching Strategy #1: Slow Your Breathing
Research has shown that when you decrease the rate of your breathing, drawing in oxygen with deep, slow breaths, you counteract the physical symptoms of negative emotions, such as a fast heart rate; the release of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol; and (of course) shallow, rapid breathing. You calm your body, which makes it easier to switch into the positive emotion of tranquility.
One way to slow your breath is to round your mouth to slow your intake of air and concentrate on your lungs expanding and your chest pushing outward as you fill it. Another method is to close your mouth, press the top of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and inhale through your nostrils.
It will sound as if you’re just about to start snoring, because you’ve restricted the airflow. Breathe this way for several breaths or several seconds, until you feel that your heart is beating at a regular pace; your muscles are more relaxed; and any tingly, anxious feeling in your body is gone. Choose the emotion of calm, and experience it. Then you can ask yourself what else you’d like to feel and begin creating that emotion as well. Remember, the process becomes easier once you’ve created one positive emotion. If you relax your body and feel calm, it will be easy to turn up the volume on joy, confidence, love, kindness, and so on.
Switching Strategy #2: Get Away
When I’m feeling a negative emotion, I find that it helps to get away from the situation and even the toxic energy in the surroundings (whether I’m creating it or someone else is) by walking outside or into another room. This isn’t the same as avoiding a confrontation or running away from your feelings; rather, it’s a healthy strategy for dealing with overpowering negative emotions. A change of locale can remind you that your emotions are in your control. Just as you can choose to walk into another room, you can make the decision to switch your emotions. Any negative thoughts that you’re creating about your environment-such as I can’t stand this computer!-will be easier to discard and replace with love if you’re no longer facing the person or object that provoked them. Connecting with an emotion of love overall will make you stop feeling hostile toward whatever it is!
A couple I know say that when they get into their car, it’s much easier for them to switch out of the panicky feelings they tend to create when they’re in a rush to go someplace. Once they’re inside their car, they recognize that they’ve made it that far (even if they’re running late), and this reminds them that they have the choice to make the switch. They’ll take a deep breath, turn up the volume on their tranquility lever, and ask themselves if they’ve forgotten anything in their hurry. They’ve noticed that this is a very effective way of dealing with time crunches and worry.
At work you can take a walk, go to a bathroom (it’s better if you can find an unoccupied one so that you can be alone with your thoughts and emotions), or sneak into any empty room. If you can’t physically get away, you can escape in your mind by visualizing a change of scenery. Close your eyes, breathe slowly, and imagine yourself on a quiet, sunny beach or sitting in your favorite chair at home with your loving pet curled up on your lap or at your feet. This will make it much easier to turn up the volume on tranquility and joy.
Switching Strategy #3: Nature Meditation
One of my favorite Switching Strategies was created by a client of mine, Jon Meija, and his partner, R.G. They suggest that you go outside and stare at the leaves of a tree for one minute. Allow yourself to become completely engaged in observing their movements. Try it-you’ll be amazed by how calming it is. You can also stare at the waves of a lake or the ocean as you sit on the beach.
Switching Strategy #4: Mini Meditation
Meditation doesn’t require a pillow, special clothing, a mantra, or total quiet. You can meditate for a short moment no matter where you are, even in a traffic jam when you’re at a standstill with car horns blaring around you. All you need to do is close your eyes, breathe deeply, and detach yourself from your thoughts.
You don’t have to try to stop your thoughts-I have a feeling that only highly trained gurus can actually do that. You simply have to choose not to follow them wherever they might take you. Pretend that your thoughts are clouds floating before your eyes, just like in those TV commercials where a word such as innovation or inspiration appears and fades as it moves across the screen. Don’t create more thoughts about your thoughts, and of course don’t form any emotions about them. Just watch them float by.
In a few moments, you’ll feel that your body and mind are much calmer. Then you can ask yourself, What emotion do I choose to feel right now? and create it for yourself.
Switching Strategy #5: Use Humor
Just like slow breathing, humor has an actual physical effect on the body. When you laugh, you release hormones known as endorphins into your bloodstream, which lift your mood. Many studies have shown that laughter actually helps the body heal.
When you’re feeling upset, cracking a joke will release endorphins and will usually make others around you laugh as well. This relieves physical tension and makes it easier for everyone to shift into a more positive emotion.
Switching Strategy #6: “Snap” Out of It
This strategy may seem a little strange, but it really does work: Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When you find yourself experiencing a negative emotion or creating thoughts that you know will lead to your switching into anger, frustration, or sadness, snap the rubber band against your skin. The little shock of pain will remind you that you want to make a different decision and choose positive thoughts and emotions. As soon as you snap yourself, say: “Okay, that’s enough of that. What emotion do I choose to feel right now?” Doing so will create a negative association with destructive thoughts and feelings. You’ll actually avoid them because you’ve trained your mind to “snap out of it.”
Switching Strategy #7: Create a Verbal Cue
Using a verbal cue to remind yourself that you’re able to shift out of a negative emotion-and want to do so-can be very effective, because you’ll create an association between that cue and the positive action of raising the levers on your Destiny Switch. You might say, “That’s enough of that!” “Time out” “Snap out of it” “Stop-rewind” or any other simple phrase that will have the same effect as a rubber band being snapped against your wrist.
Switching Strategy #8: Get Moving
Exercise can help you let go of negative emotions by reducing your immediate stress and shaking off any worry and nervousness. Some people like to do jumping jacks or stretches to stop their mind from creating negative thoughts and their body from releasing stress hormones. I enjoy shaking like a dog getting out of a pool. A friend of mine envisions the negative emotion and any disempowering thoughts attached to it as a cloud of smoke, and she vigorously waves it away with her hands.
If you can, take a short exercise break when you find yourself feeling a static negative emotion (such as sadness) or an active one (anger, for example). Walk briskly around the block, do some yoga poses, or jump on your rowing machine for a few minutes. When your heart starts pumping, your blood circulates faster and you breathe more deeply, sending increased oxygen to your cells. This make it much easier to turn off negative thoughts and raise the levers on your Destiny Switch.
Switching Strategy #9: Attend to Your Body
When you’re tired or eating poorly and ignoring your body’s signals for you to take care of it, it’s much harder to switch into a positive emotion. If you’re feeling negative, notice whether you’re hungry, tired, in pain, or physically uncomfortable. Reject your negative emotion, but don’t forget to attend to your body’s needs as well. If you’re hungry, eat a meal or have a snack (for many people, a protein snack is especially effective at helping them quell their hunger and switch into positive emotions). If you’re tired, figure out whether you can take a nap or at least rest, and then make a commitment to yourself to practice better sleep hygiene: Go to bed and rise at the same time each day (even on weekends), engage in relaxing activities before retiring, don’t work in your bed or bedroom (because it creates an association between bed and mental activity instead of bed and sleep), and avoid caffeine. If you’re physically uncomfortable or in pain, by all means, address this with a natural-healing remedy right away, but be sure to observe any patterns of discomfort and deal with them.
Sometimes negative feelings such as sadness or listlessness cover up a fear that something is very wrong with you physically. Repressing your insecurity and not dealing with your ailment can be very unhealthy. Be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling in both your mind and body, and address your physical needs as well as your emotional state.
Switching Strategy #10: Use Positive Music
A great way to shift your emotions is to listen to music that makes you feel positive. You can choose any type that’s especially helpful in getting you to connect with a particular emotion, such as confidence or faith. Nowadays it’s easier than ever to create your own mix of music that you can easily carry with you wherever you go and play on your computer, car stereo, or personal music player. You might have one mix that you put on when you need to pump up your confidence while heading off to work and another you play on the way home in order to switch into feelings of joy and love.
Music can also help you connect with others when you listen to songs that you both enjoy. If you’re feeling detached from your romantic partner because you’ve been preoccupied all day, play some tunes you both love and hum along together. If you like to sing, break into song. If you take pleasure in playing an instrument, pull out your harmonica or guitar, or sit down at your piano for a few minutes. I remember Elton John once saying that as a little boy, whenever he’d get angry, his father would march him over to the piano and tell him to work through his feelings by playing. Once he’d start, of course, the sound of the music lifted him out of his dark mood (and I think it’s safe to say that this Switching Strategy led him to his destiny!).
Switching Strategy #11: Connect with Someone Who’s Positive
Some positive emotions are even easier to connect to when you have a little help from your friends-inspiration and harmony, for example. When you’re having trouble raising the volume on positivity, you might want to call, e-mail, instant-message, or visit someone you know who will help you switch your emotion. Upbeat people are everywhere, especially with the availability of high-tech communication. I know a woman whose toddler went into a prolonged, intense tantrum that shook her up, and she phoned a friend several states away to get support. Her friend offered her gentle words and a reminder that “this too shall pass.” Within minutes, she went from completely frazzled and crying to calm, hopeful, and laughing.
Switching Strategy #12: Use Your Imagination
To turn up the volume on an emotion, you must actually experience it. In a way, this is the art of acting. By creating an emotion, you make it real and can intensify it simply by using your imagination. The universe responds to the vibration you send out, so if you’re feeling prosperous, it will manifest abundance for you. Just as I entered my dream home and experienced it physically to help create the emotional state that I’d feel once I actually owned it, remember that you, too, can use “props” and “scenes” to assist you:
- If you want to feel abundant and wealthy, go to a car dealership and test-drive a Jaguar, or visit the finest department store in town and try on an extremely expensive designer outfit. Imagine that you own these items. Feel yourself completely comfortable with them. Or visualize yourself setting up the office for your new business. Create a picture in your mind’s eye of your business card, with your name and title along with the name of the company. Go to the lobby of a luxury hotel, and imagine that you’re a guest there.
- If you want to feel confident, visualize yourself on television being interviewed about your amazing success. Stand on an empty stage and picture yourself in front of a roomful of people applauding your speech or performance. Feel the pride at your accomplishment.
- If you want to experience the harmony and love of a romantic partner, imagine yourself with such a person, sharing a special moment. Sit in a candlelit restaurant or another romantic spot, savor the emotion of being deeply connected and intimate, and know that the universe is aligning with your feeling to manifest the partner you desire.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to share your dreams and imaginative scenarios with others if you don’t want to. Step into the person you know you’ll be-and into the life of your dreams-and don’t feel that you have to share what’s going on inside you emotionally with anyone who won’t be supportive of you.
Switching Strategy #13: Use Your Memory
As I said earlier in the book, when we’re children, we have an enormous capacity for pretending, and the feelings we create are very real. If you recall that as a child you felt a positive emotion that was particularly strong, re-create it through a memory. Reconnect with the person you were and what you experienced. Ask yourself the following questions:
o What emotion would I like to experience?
o When in my life did I feel that emotion?
Go to a quiet place if you can, and close your eyes. Breathe slowly and deeply as you replay in your mind the scene from your past. Reconnect with that positive feeling and hold on to it. Remember that you’re still the same person and can feel that emotion anytime you want to.
One of my clients, who hadn’t done public speaking in years and had to give an important presentation, relived his memory of reciting a poem in front of his peers as a child. He reexperienced the tremendous pride, confidence, and joy he’d felt on that occasion. He revisited this memory several times daily for a few days-and then, just before he stepped onto the stage for his big presentation, he closed his eyes and reconnected with it again. The strong positive emotions he created resulted in a wonderfully successful speech.
As you’re remembering this scene from your past, if you recall that someone cut you off from feeling good, rewrite the memory in a more positive way. For instance, let’s say that you took great pride in a drawing you made and felt very confident about your artistic abilities, but when you showed your work of art to your parent, he or she said something negative. Rewrite this memory as if it were a movie and you were the writer and director. How would you want the scene to play out? Relive it again . . . only this time, imagine the positive outcome of people validating your feelings.
Switching Strategy #14: Reach Out
When you sense that your positive emotions are at a low level or that you’re indifferent or negative, a great way to switch is to reach out to help someone else. You’ll create feelings of love, joy, and compassion when you choose to engage in an act of kindness, no matter how small.
Good deeds don’t have to be grand or well planned. Simply having a cup of coffee with a friend or e-mailing someone an article that you know he or she would enjoy will help a person you care about experience your kindness and connect to his or her own positive feelings. I get a kick out of performing random acts of kindness for strangers, too. From time to time, I’ll pay for a drink for the car behind me at a coffee shop’s drive-through. Although I never met the person who’s getting the free coffee and the clerks are often confused by my request, this action makes me feel great.
Switching Strategy #15:
Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones
Changing your thoughts is another great way to switch your emotions. Although you don’t realize it, often your feelings are driven by conscious or even unconscious thoughts. Again, remember the Observe-Decide-Switch approach to shifting your emotions.
Observe whatever negative feelings you’re experiencing, but also notice any thoughts that might be driving them. Ask yourself, Why am I feeling this way? What am I thinking? so that you can more easily bring to the surface any hidden, destructive thoughts. Once you take a look at them, you can consciously decide to reject them, choose a better emotion to feel, and switch into it.
However, as soon as you get rid of one negative thought, another may appear. Managing your negative thoughts can be like that Whac-A-Mole arcade game. Your mind thinks, I’ll never get this work done by my deadline, and just as soon as you whack that thought, the next one pops up: I’m not good at this type of work anyway. A great way to whack all those disempowering beliefs so that they stop coming up is to immediately replace them with positive thoughts.
- Say no to “I can’t.” One of the most destructive thoughts you can create is I can’t. As soon as you think it, you’ve made it come true . . . but if you get rid of it, you open yourself up to innumerable possibilities. Replace the words I can’t with I can. Turn up the volume on wonder and inspiration, and you’ll begin to see how you can accomplish what you’d like to do. Think: I wonder how I can do this? and What might inspire me to figure out a way I can achieve this? Where can I get some fresh insights? Make sure to turn up the volume on trust and confidence as well. Thinking positive thoughts such as I can do this. How will I make it happen? Where can I get some good ideas for how to accomplish it? will help you create the positive emotions of determination, wonder, inspiration, and faith.
- Get rid of judgments. It’s never helpful to judge yourself or someone else. Critical thoughts create negative emotions and lower the switches on all your positive ones. Instead of passing judgment, give up your beliefs about who’s right and who’s wrong and what people should and shouldn’t do. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior. Condemning others for acting incorrectly and turning your thoughts to how they ought to fix themselves in order to meet your approval simply creates negative emotions. Practice nonjudgment: Accept people as they are, set your boundaries regarding the behaviors you’ll tolerate and the ones you won’t, and walk away from situations that you can see will just drain you of energy.
Discarding judgment and connecting with a feeling of love is always a great way of dealing with a challenging situation. We’ve all seen a mother lash out verbally at her child because she’s frustrated and angry, and our instinct is to judge her as a cruel and bad mother. But a far more positive way of handling this scenario is to switch to a feeling of love. As soon as you experience this emotion, express it: Look sympathetic and ask if you can help.
Sending the mother love and showing empathy may very well give her the strength to calm herself down and stop mistreating her child, while judging her and frowning at her will simply keep her in a negative state. Once she sees that you’re not going to criticize her or express anger, you can gently tell her what you’ve done in her situation to help her realize that there’s a better way to deal with it. Even if you aren’t a parent, you can offer some advice, such as “My niece used to ask for everything in the grocery store, and I know my sister would take a deep breath so that she didn’t feel so frazzled. It seemed to get her to stop asking for candy.”
Judging yourself by experiencing shame and guilt is also destructive. When you realize that you’ve missed the mark or made a mistake, turn up the volume on forgiveness, kindness, and love. Forgive yourself and choose to move on. If you see a pattern of behavior that you don’t like, commit to a program of fixing it. Getting stuck in a mode of blaming yourself or others will keep you mired in emotions such as sadness and anger and prevent you from switching into positive ones that will actually help you solve problems and feel better.
One of the ways you can tell you’ve slipped into the behavior of judging yourself or others is that you discover you’re using extreme statements with words such as always, all, impossible, no one, and never. Thoughts such as I’ll never find love, No one will ever cherish me, and I’ll never find a job I enjoy are all extreme, negative, distorted perceptions. Whenever you hear yourself saying one of these extreme statements in your head, recognize that it’s time to shift into a positive emotion, and find an empowering thought to replace it.
- Remove the labels. We all affix labels to ourselves and others because we think that it’s helpful to categorize people. We see someone on the street and think, Young, blonde woman; or old, gray-haired man. Many labels are harmless, but some of the ones we stick on ourselves or others are destructive and inspire negative emotions. Labels such as “foolish,” “unreasonable,” “stick-in-the-mud,” and “busybody” need to be peeled off and thrown away immediately.
When you’re confronted with other people’s difficult behavior, rather than feeling negatively about them and creating a label for them, use positive emotions and language as you interact with them. (You’ll learn more about confronting challenging people later in this chapter.) If you realize that you’ve just placed a negative label on yourself . . . again, peel it off. Turn up the volume on positive emotions-such as kindness, love, and worthiness-and you’ll be able to forgive yourself and move on from any mistakes you’ve made.
- Use positive language in every possible situation. Never underestimate the power of positive language to help you and others shift into positive emotions. When someone asks, “How are you?” respond with “Wonderful! Fantastic!” Say it with enthusiasm and confidence. When I ask people how they are, quite often I hear them answer, “Not that bad,” and I’ll reply, “You mean it’s bad, just not that bad?” Then they begin to think about how they really feel, and whether they want to be in that emotional state. Be creative in using positive language, and have fun with it. Not long ago I met up with a fellow golfer at the course clubhouse, just as we were both about to tee off. I inquired, “So how are you feeling today?” He responded, “If I had a tail, I’d wag it.” I love it!
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